A Sweet Ending?

Amidst much of last year’s gloom, unstable markets, dire economies, corporate bankruptcy and scandal there was one light which managed to get us all to that glorious light at the end of the cold, dark tunnel; witty euphemisms regarding the potential merger between Kraft & Cadbury. It scintillated many market watchers with its drama, the give and take of the first offers, the noble spurning of Kraft’s love by Cadbury CEO Todd Stitzer, even in lieu of a 30% market premium. Though he stood to gain handsomely from the offer he knew Cadbury was a classy girl, it took more than a few pretty pence to win her over. Then in November Kraft formally began its attempts at a hostile takeover. As the tenuous courtship wore on a new suitor was found in Hershey’s. Yea the plot thickened as the two competed for the love of her chocolatey goodness, oh how they coveted her emerging market penetration, just thinking of those growth prospects… But it was not to be between Hershey’s and Cadbury’s, how could it? They were both confectioners, cousins of the first degree; if the authorities cried monopoly their young courtship would be shattered. It soon became apparent that in the end Hershey’s sugary appeal was no match for Kraft’s girthy, gargantuan pocketbook. Many thought Kraft would have her hand when CEO Irene Rosenfeld opted to offer her loads of sweet, sweet equity when, out of nowhere, a cameo appearance by the notorious old man Buffett seemed to throw the whole affair back in limbo. Buffett felt that Kraft was too good for her stating, “I think Kraft is undervalued, I just don’t think it is as undervalued as it was three weeks ago” (The Daily Telegraph). As the bell tolled midnight Kraft made a delicious offer directly to Cadbury’s shareholders, increasing the dowry by 10%, 60% of which was cash, one they simply could not refuse. With the culmination of this tenuous courtship begins a new marriage, the British damsel and the American goliath, hand in hand. When asked as to his feelings towards this unholy and unwanted union Papa Buffett bluntly voiced his disapproval, “If I had a chance to vote on this, I’d vote no”, when asked of his feelings towards the deal’s orchestrator he said, coldly. “I like Irene… She has been straightforward with me, we just disagree.” As this drama concludes there are sure to be postcoital rumblings from both sides, perhaps a headline here or there, maybe tales of the angry love affair between Rosenfeld and Buffett. However, it seems likely that without journalists using witty wordplay to relate aspects of candy to these two companies’ relations, business publications everywhere will revert to their cold, lifeless state, preaching economic doldrums and doom.
Readers at many of the streets firms will manage to get through these hard times, reportedly Goldman Sachs executives are using excessive profits to wallpaper their offices in $100 bills and avoid paying their inevitable exorbitant income taxes. Unfortunately, for some firms the only thing left were those witty turns of phrase. An anonymous employee at Citigroup said, “I don’t know if I can take it anymore. I didn’t mind when we were in the red in 08’, I mean everyone was, right? But in 09, I mean some of those guys are having record years and all I had were those awesome articles where someone would talk about Kraft’s ‘sweet’ offer. I mean honestly, knowing that there were brilliant people out there who had the stones to week in and week employ candy based double entendre, it gave me hope man. The thing with Buffett, had me on pins and needles, he is easily ten times more unpredictable than Tom Cruise, now it’s done, I knew it couldn’t last forever, but I could dream. Now they are saying we might not make money in 2010…” He was silent thereafter, but the listless look in his eyes and the conspicuously placed noose said it all. Yet hope remains, the uptick in Hershey’s stock was dubbed ‘sweet’ by the journal; perhaps if U.S. steel continues to rise some savvy correspondent might title an article ‘Hard not into Buy Steel’ and start the cycle anew, but we can only hope such wit is still out there.

Joey Kryza
Group 2